You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week we start with one rule, ladies don't, and then we do it anyway. You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week we start with one rule, ladies don't, and then we do it anyway. Welcome back. I'm That Hormone Girl, Tracy Willingham, and today's rule is one you've probably performed this week, maybe even without noticing. Ladies don't envy their friends.
Tracey:They never wanted what they have anyway. Yeah, that one hurts a little bit, doesn't it? But that's the rule, my friends. Your friend announces the promotion, the trip, the new relationship, the body, the thing, And out of your mouth comes, Oh my gosh, I am so happy for you in that voice, while something in your chest quietly folds in on itself. And then you feel like a monster because good women good women don't get jealous.
Tracey:Good women clap. Good women fix each other's crowns. So today we're going to talk about the thing under the clapping. Alright. It's time for the story.
Tracey:Gather around, pull up your chair, top off your coffee. So here's the thing that kicked off this whole podcast for me. I have friends who have seen the world. I'm talking Italy, Japan, Greece, France, Switzerland, London, Ireland. Their passports are full of stamps.
Tracey:And me? I have made it as far as Canada. And that is, first of all, well, okay, that is the big international resume for me. Okay, but I got to say I love Canada. Okay, and it is genuinely beautiful.
Tracey:And I won't hear anything against it. Like, you come for Canada, we're going to have a problem. I adore Canada. But there is a part of me that aches to see the world before I die. Real honest wanting.
Tracey:I feel it every time the pictures come across my phone. And for a while, that ache just kind of sat in me as envy. And there's good envy and bad envy, and we're going to talk about that today. But sometimes it did come out as like, Why them and not me? But then something flipped it for me.
Tracey:I pulled myself out of my little pity party, and I started to think about, hold on a minute, Tracy, because you've been to almost all 50 states, and I will be before I die, Lord willing, as long as nothing happens to me when I leave this studio. And there's a woman out there who wants to see all 50 states and she wishes that she could have gone to Canada. That seems super crazy. That seems amazing. I have left Texas and someone in Texas envies that.
Tracey:I have actually driven to other Texas cities and seen a lot more of my own world. And to someone, that is a dream they haven't reached yet. And what I wave off as just my life, it's the exact thing somebody else is aching for. And that can be the whole trick of envy. Right?
Tracey:So we forget that what we already have, what we've already experienced, it's someone else's someday. And here's what I want you to hold on to as we go through this episode. Envy isn't the enemy. It actually can light a fire under you. And I've seen it happen in my own life and other people's lives where it can make you save for the trip.
Tracey:It can send you around the world through a screen until you get there in person. And we are living in an amazing time for exactly that. Think back to COVID. How many museums were like, Here, come do a virtual. I'm like, I'm in France right now going through a museum.
Tracey:This is crazy. So we have a of tools at our fingertips. But what I want to also talk about today is envy is a different animal than entitlement. So one says, I want to reach for that. Entitlement says, I deserve that without the reach.
Tracey:And we're going to look at know which one you're feeding today. So let's look at the cost. Because we don't always talk about envy from a good or bad side, right? It's almost never actually about your friend, know, my friends. Was I happy?
Tracey:I was thrilled when my friends got to travel the world. I mean, I got to see pictures. I lived through it. So you know that you can have envy and have genuine moments. Envy is usually the way I like to look at it as is more of a signal.
Tracey:And it gets loud when your own grounding is shaky. So when you feel solid in who you are and where your life is going, your friend's win lands as good news. But when you don't, that same win lands right on that sore spot. And you know, I got to talk about this because I'm that hormone girl. And we don't talk about this a lot through the whole menopause hormone health transition phase.
Tracey:And it always ambitious you in your 40s when it never even maybe used to. Perimenopause is an identity earthquake. And I talk about this all the time. So in a short window, your body changes, your role with your children, your parents, your partner shifts, your work hits a wall or a ceiling, and the woman who used to feel sure of herself is suddenly standing on ground that won't hold still. And then let's add in some mood and some sleep changes that ride along with those hormonal shifts, and comparison hits harder and stings longer in this decade plus time in a woman's life.
Tracey:And we don't talk about that. So the friend posts the glow up and it doesn't hit good for her. What it hits is, then what happened to me? And I want to say that's not you being petty. It's grief.
Tracey:It's grief dressed up in a party dress, right? So here's the cost of pretending it away instead of just looking at it face on. When you can't admit that envy, you can't look at what it's pointing at. So instead, you pull back from the friend. You see her a little less.
Tracey:You let the text sit. And you turn the whole thing inward into, What is wrong with me? Why can't I? I'm a good person. And then you have the most monumental loss.
Tracey:You lose the friend and you beat yourself up. You basically just did a two for one. And you know there's history behind it, so let's get into the how deep does it go. And we're going to go deeper because the rule that women must never covet is old and it is convenient. Right?
Tracey:So for centuries, women were quietly set in competition with each other for the things that decided a woman's entire future. So we're talking a good marriage, a man's approval, being the prettiest one in the room, being the most desirable. We want men that gaze on us that we want them to catch us. A seat at a table that had very few seats. And at the exact same time, we were then turned around and told that the highest female virtue was to be supportive, selfless, and never ever ambitious for ourselves.
Tracey:So wanting, it got a new name. A woman who wanted more, she was not ambitious. She was jealous, and jealous was ugly, and ugly was unforgivable. Envy got moralized into a character flaw specifically so women wouldn't say the dangerous part out loud, right? Which is I want that too.
Tracey:Because here's what your envy actually is. It's ambition that hasn't been given any type of plan or goal setting, anything, but it is your ambition. It is a compass because it points straight at the thing that you want or at the version of yourself that maybe you're quietly mourning. And a woman who can read that compass is a lot harder to keep small. So let's look at it like now in modern times because as we've discussed in other ones, it doesn't always mean it's better.
Tracey:We took that old setup and we handed everyone a phone. Right? So comparison used to be just your street or your family or your community, your church. It was somewhat contained. Now it's a thousand curated highlight reels a day engineered to keep you scrolling and the platforms make money off the exact sore spot that we're talking about.
Tracey:So now our envy has become a very profitable product. Somebody's quarterly earnings depend on you feeling behind, less than, not, good enough, all those things So if this could be said, it would sound like I'm allowed to want what she has and still love her. I'm allowed to feel the sting and not be a bad person. I'm allowed to say I'm jealous out loud without it being an attack. I'm allowed to ask my envy, What is this pointing at?
Tracey:What am I wanting? What am I yearning for? I'm allowed to want more for my own life. And I'm allowed to be genuinely happy for her and honest with myself. Both can exist.
Tracey:Let's talk about my favorite thing. This should piss us off. Okay? This should piss you off because you were handed a feeling every human being on earth has and then told that having it makes you petty, small, and unladylike. So you learned to swallow it and smile and then punish yourself in private.
Tracey:Meanwhile, the actual information in that feeling, the part that could tell you what you want and move your whole life forward, it got buried under shame. You were taught, we all were taught to fear our own compass. And the friendships that could have survived one honest ugh, I'm a little jealous and I'm working on it. Instead, it quietly thinned out because nobody has been allowed to say the true thing. So how do you know if this is you?
Tracey:This might be you if you say, I'm so happy for you in a voice you don't recognize. So you know what I mean, that fake one. Oh, I'm so happy for you. You felt a little cold toward a friend right after their good news. You started seeing a certain someone less, but you really couldn't say why.
Tracey:You scroll, you feel worse, and yet you keep scrolling. You follow the sting with a round of, What is wrong with me? Why not me? You can name what everyone else is doing with their life, but you go blank on what you actually want. So if that's you, you're not a bad friend.
Tracey:What you are is a woman who was never taught to read her own wants, desires, and dreams. So let's look at our reflection. How do I want you to take care of yourselves this week? So this week, try this. Next time that envy flares up, don't fight it and don't feed it the shame and the wrong.
Tracey:We're not doing any of that. Just ask that feeling one question: What are you pointing at? Not What's wrong with you? Not What's wrong with her? Not Why can't I?
Tracey:When you feel that little ping, ask yourself, What are you pointing at? What do I actually want here? And sometimes the answer can surprise you. Sometimes it isn't even a thing that friend has, right? It's what it represents.
Tracey:It might be freedom, rest, being seen, starting over. So that's the real data about your life. When you ask yourself, what are you pointing at instead of dwelling on it and shame spiraling, you move your life forward. And if the mood swings and the identity wobble underneath all this feels bigger than a bad day, then that's a hormone conversation. And you always can find me at That Hormone Girl.
Tracey:Envy that won't quit is sometimes a nervous system running on empty. So take care of yourselves this week and be honest with the woman in the mirror first. Because here's what I want you to know, and here's what you do know now. Envy, is not a character flaw. It's a compass.
Tracey:It doesn't mean you're a bad friend. It means you're a woman with wants. You were told to hide, and you can feel it and read it instead of drowning in it. You can want more and love your friend too. You can stop performing, So happy for you!
Tracey:And start asking yourself, What am I actually reaching for? What do I want in my own life? And a woman who stops apologizing for her own wanting, who reads the signals instead of swallowing them, and who lets herself want the bigger life out loud. That's the most unladylike thing of all. Thanks for joining me today for That's Not Very Ladylike.
Tracey:If today's episode lit a fire, pushed your buttons, or called a little BS on the stories we've been sold, share it with another woman who's tired of being told to tone it down, smile more, or play nice. And help a girl out by making sure you subscribe, leave a quick review, and catch me on Instagram at that hormone girl. And until next time, keep getting loud, messy, and raising hell because being ladylike is overrated.