You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week we start with one rule, ladies don't, and then we do it anyway. You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week we start with one rule, ladies don't, and then we do it anyway. Welcome back. I'm that hormone girl, Tracy Willingham. And today's rule is one almost every woman listening has followed without ever being told it out loud.
Tracey:Ladies don't have bladder issues. They just cross their legs when they laugh. And so that's the rule. And I want you to notice something. You already know exactly what I mean.
Tracey:You've braced before a sneeze, You have skipped the trampoline at the birthday party. You have laughed halfway and then clamped down because the other half wasn't safe. No doctors are necessarily handing us a pamphlet on this. We've just quietly kind of figured out a whole set of workarounds. And then we called it being a grown woman.
Tracey:And today, we're actually going to call it what it is. So as you know, I love to tell a story. So that's where we're starting. So gather around. Here we go.
Tracey:So I want to tell you where this one came from, my story for this week. So a couple of weeks ago, I got sick. And I mean, I am not talking a little baby cold. This thing took me out for like three weeks and actually I'm still lingering. I have some lingering but for three weeks I didn't get to work.
Tracey:It was insane. So I'm talking about like the type of cough that comes from your soul and rearranges your ribs. I'm even surprised I didn't break a rib. Let's just be honest. And that cough did not care about my dignity one bit.
Tracey:So it got so bad that I did the thing. I put on my period panties because I had to. Because in the middle of a regular week it wasn't for my period. It was just because I was coughing so hard and it could not be helped. And the period panties were my only saving grace.
Tracey:And listen, I'm going to tell you I felt some kind of way about it because you know, I'm 49. I wasn't really ready for this. Know, I was like, 85, cool. I'll wear some diapers. It's okay at that age.
Tracey:But there's nothing that kind of makes you feel less like a sultry, mysterious, sexy woman than reaching for the leak proof underwear because your own cough has become a threat. And I know you know what I mean. And my spouse was right there through the entire thing and part of my brain was going this is not the vibe. This is not the sexy. This is not what I signed up to be.
Tracey:And I know he didn't sign up to be like my wife is peeing her pants right next to me. So the embarrassment was real for me. But here's the turn. Not long after I'm at a lake house with a set of dear friends. We have been friends for thirty plus years and I do not take that lightly.
Tracey:I feel like those are rare friendships nowadays. And so we're there, we've got you know the spouses and the fiance's and these are women that when we all get together there's belly laughs, it hurts and so of course what's going to happen somebody says something funny and the whole table loses it and then when I look around half of us are crossing our legs mid laugh. So it's a real thing we were all bracing together And instead of anybody being embarrassed, we just knew as soon as I saw my one friend cross her legs, I was like, you see me, I see you, I know what's happening. So this is like a new era of our friendship. I don't know if we were ready to be at this, you know, peeing our pants stage, but here we are.
Tracey:So we've crossed into the leg crossing years together. And honestly, there was something kind of beautiful about not being alone in it and someone who got it like, oh gosh, if I'm gonna laugh, I gotta cross my legs. So let's look at the cost of this whole bladder incontinence issue because nobody really talks about this at brunch, right? This is not sexy brunch conversation. Leaking is incredibly common and it is absolutely not just a mom thing.
Tracey:I have never birthed a child. And my friend who was crossing her legs, she had. And at first I was like maybe I have a serious problem like I didn't birth a watermelon so I get why she maybe needs to cross her legs but what about me? So in the largest study of women who never gave birth about one in six had urinary incontinence. And among women 45 who never had a single child, it was closer to one in five.
Tracey:And guess what? It climbs with age no matter what your body has or hasn't done. So if you have been quietly blaming your kids for your bladder, I have news. Your bladder is not necessarily going to just be blamed on your kids, right? I mean you can if you want.
Tracey:I haven't had to do that but also we've got to look at some other things that are just naturally happening. And of course there's a hormone piece because I'm that hormone girl. We're going to sneak it in when I can because I just I can't help myself. So when estrogen starts dropping in perimenopause and beyond, so you can even look at this for postmenopause, the tissue that supports your bladder and your urethra gets thinner and less springy. So you got less support, more leaks.
Tracey:So it's not about you like you didn't do enough Kegels, you know, you're careless. It's that your body is changing and it's on its own timeline now. So now the number that actually makes me mad somewhere between half and seventy percent. So fifty to seventy percent of women dealing with this never bring it up to a single medical provider. And often when they do, are you ready for this?
Tracey:They have typically waited six to nine years before bringing it up. Six to nine years of dark pants and knowing where every bathroom is and skipping the things that you wanted to do before you finally say a word out loud. And here's what all that silence is hiding. This is actually fixable. So and I feel like it's gotten like really big probably because we're all at this age now and we're talking about it.
Tracey:But pelvic floor physical therapy is a real first line, well studied treatment. And for a lot of women it works. And it's not wear a pad. It's not wear period panties. It's not hide it better.
Tracey:There's actual treatment. So we have actually been managing a solvable problem like it's a dirty secret. But there's a reason for that. And as you know, where we go next, we got to look at the history and how deep does this go. So let's go back because this silence was built.
Tracey:So start with the word itself. Incontinent did not begin as a bladder word. So for centuries, it actually meant lacking self control, and that meant morally and emotionally. Okay? And here's the ugly part.
Tracey:Because women were assumed to be ruled by their moods and their cycles, they were called incontinent not as a medical diagnosis but as a character verdict. And that was used as proof that they couldn't be trusted to govern anything, including themselves. Okay? Let's just sit with that for a minute. Because I had some incontinence, you used that as proof that women could not be trusted to govern anything, including themselves.
Tracey:So the same word for a leaking body was the word for a woman who couldn't be trusted with power. Let that sit, right? Doesn't that piss you off? It pisses me off. And it goes further back too.
Tracey:So for most of medical history, damn near every female complaint got swept into one bin. And you probably already know the word, you're probably driving your car right now, but let's say it together, hysteria. And that is from the Greek word for womb. A diagnosis only women could supposedly have. Hysteria, Greek word for womb.
Tracey:You can't make this stuff up, right? But does it not piss you off? I'm ready to rage. So a body that leaked didn't get investigated. It got filed under, Well, that's just being a woman, and sent home.
Tracey:So then we have the modern version, right? And so, you know, what I'm starting to find with modern medicine and what we're dealing with nowadays is, yeah, we have advanced, but we've also become a lot like sneakier, lot, you know, we're like slick about how we're just rolling and rewording things. And this one, this one is slick. So once we stopped blaming the wandering womb, the culture didn't start treating women's leaking. Okay?
Tracey:It wasn't like, Oh man, that sounds bad. Let's fix that. It started selling us discretion, the whole discreet liner. Whisper thin. Nobody will know product world is built on one promise that you'll hide it well enough that no one finds out.
Tracey:That is silence with a barcode. Instead of sitting at a table and saying, How can we fix this? They sold us a panty liner, a powdered panty liner so you don't have to worry about a smell. The solution on offer was never, hey, let's figure out how we can get this treated. It was hide it better and buy this to do it.
Tracey:And that keeps you managing alone and keeps you out of the one office that could help. And I have to name this because it isn't the same for everyone, right? Who gets taken seriously when she finally speaks up? Who gets referral to a specialist? Who can afford pelvic floor therapy that often isn't covered?
Tracey:Shock! Yet another thing that can help women live fulfilled, happy, easy lives not covered by our insurance. This is not evenly handed out, my friends. If you have money, if you have privilege, you have access. And that silence can cost some women a lot more than others.
Tracey:So if this could be said, this is what it would sound like. If you were allowed to say the quiet part, here's what it would sound like. I'm allowed to say I leak a little out loud and without dropping my voice. I'm allowed to want to sneeze, laugh, and jump without doing math first. I'm allowed to bring this up at a doctor's appointment I made on purpose.
Tracey:I'm allowed to treat this instead of hide it. I'm allowed to be annoyed that no one told me sooner. And I'm allowed to take back the trampoline, the deep laugh, and the front row. All of it. So now we're to my favorite section.
Tracey:This should piss you off because. Here's what should piss you off, my friends. This is one of the most common things that happens to women's bodies and one of the least talked about. And that gap is not an accident. You were sold products to hide it before you were ever offered care to fix it.
Tracey:You were taught to whisper about a muscle group. Did anybody watch the World Cup recently? We saw what men did when one of their little muscle groups got a little contact down on the ground, rolling, crying. We have to be quiet about this muscle group. You rearranged your whole life, your clothes, the seats, the trampolines, the belly laughs around a problem a professional could help you with in a handful of visits.
Tracey:And the cherry on top, you probably felt embarrassed the entire time, like your body is weird, not functioning, is some kind of monster, when the actual failure was a system that found it more profitable to keep you quiet than to let you get well. So you might be saying, how do I know if this is me? So let's get honest about it. This might be you if you cross your legs, brace or clench before you laugh or sneeze. You mapped the bathrooms everywhere you go.
Tracey:You wear dark bottoms, just in case. You have quit trampolines, jumping jacks, jumping and dancing, maybe even fear the big cough. You've had a leak and you've told exactly zero people. And you've assumed this is just your life now and you've never even considered, could this be different? So if you're nodding, if you even rose your hand to one, I want you to know right now you are common.
Tracey:And common in this case, it does have a treatment. So here's the reflection. Here's how I want you to take care of yourselves this week. So this week, here's your unladylike homework. Say it once out loud to one safe person or if you're ready to go all in, an appointment and tell your provider.
Tracey:I leak a little and I want to do something about it. That's it. I did it for you. Walk in, I leak a little and I want to do something about it. Bam.
Tracey:Now your turn, doctor. That one sentence breaks the silence that's been running for centuries and for a lot of you for years in your own life. And if you want to understand the hormone side of why this shows up, when it does, that's the kind of thing we get into over at That Hormone Girl. But the first move is really just refusing to whisper any longer. So I want you to take care of yourselves this week, drink that water anyway, and I want you to laugh.
Tracey:I want you to belly laugh without having to cross your legs. Because here's what you know now. Bladder issues, leaking, it's common. And common is not the same as normal and unfixable. The silence was built and you don't have to keep paying for it.
Tracey:You can stop bracing before the joke. You can jump. You can ask for help without shame. And we can and we should all expect an answer other than buy this product. And a woman who says the quiet part out loud, who gets the care instead of the cover up, who takes back the trampoline and the belly laugh and wearing white and light pants, well, that's the most unladylike thing of all.
Tracey:Thanks for joining me today for That's Not Very Ladylike. If today's episode lit a fire, pushed your buttons, or called a little BS on the stories we've been sold, share it with another woman who's tired of being told to tone it down, smile more, or play nice. And help a girl out by making sure you subscribe, leave a quick review, and catch me on Instagram at that hormone girl. And until next time, keep getting loud, messy, and raising hell because being ladylike is overrated.